Frozen Assets

Don't get your hopes up.

I could have posted something on Friday morning, but in doing so I would have raised the hopes of anybody reading this, including myself.  On Friday morning, I peed on a stick, and got two lines.   Granted, the second line was the faintest thing ever - I almost had to use my imagination to see it.  But it was there, and my husband could see it, too.   However, by my calculations, the line should have been darker at that point.

On Saturday morning, upon the insistence of a friend with whom we were staying, I peed on another stick.  Two lines.  Slightly darker, but not much.

I enjoyed the rest of the weekend with a glimmer of hope, but the realistic knowledge that by that point my HCG should have been well over 25, the minimum sensitivity of those tests.

This morning I peed on one last stick, just to prepare myself for the blood draw.  If there was a second line, this time I actually had to use my imagination to see it.  These results were confirmed with the blood draw, which came back at 3.5.

We're devastated.  My husband blames himself, and I blame myself.  We don't have any money to jump into another frozen cycle.  We REALLY don't have money for another fresh cycle, which I suspect we'll need to do before too long.  I don't feel like I can keep doing this to myself emotionally, yet I know there's no other choice if we actually want to have (biologically related to us) children.

A bad Two Week Wait

I feel like posting the following onto one of the IVF message boards: "I feel like absolute crap - do you think I'm pregnant?"

I have not yet shaken this cold.  It's in my sinuses and is trying to infiltrate my lungs.   I have a headache from hell (had one yesterday too), I'm tired, grumpy, and generally unpleasant to be around. My brain isn't quite functioning properly either.  (I had this big clever post written out yesterday and then stupidly closed the browser window.) If it weren't for the fact that I DO have a cold, I'd be pretty convinced that I was pregnant.  Throw in the slight dizzy factor (which I've had before), the fact that I'm very picky in what I'm willing to eat, and you have all the makings for a big fat pile of hope.   Then I remember that I'm sick, and I come back to my senses.

One of the other symptoms people always talk about is sore boobs.  I keep poking at mine to see if they're sore.  At this point they're sore... but then again, I've been poking at them.

I can't believe I have to wait until Tuesday.  Grr.

Now all we do is wait...

I currently have two cute little blastocysts hanging out my uterus.  They only thawed one straw, and both blasts looked "really good".   I was thrilled with this!

The day started out with the acupuncturist running behind schedule.  I was worried, because we were only going to have a limited amount of time between the acupuncture and the transfer, and I still needed to drink a ton of water!   So, the second the needles were out, I guzzled a liter of water, and popped my valium.  mmmm... valium...   

So anyway, we got to the IVF clinic, where we signed in and had a seat.  I casually asked if the doctor was running on time.  She wasn't, so I didn't feel bad about drinking my water late. However, once we were called in, we had to wait over a half an hour before she came in!  By then, my bladder was VERY full.   In fact, once the ultrasound was on me, the nurse said "oh yes!  that's very full!"   (The bladder has to be full to push the uterus in-line with the cervix so they don't need to bend the catheter to put the little guys in.)

We got a picture of the two blasts, and I will scan it soon... I guess they look good - it's hard for the untrained eye to tell since there are so many cells.

I should also mention that a couple brought their 7 month old twins into the waiting room to show them off to their doctor.  It was cute, but I could see how some patients would be highly annoyed with this.   It didn't bother me too much - they were pretty durn cute!

More later with pictures and stuff, but right now I have a date with Harry Potter.

This will just have to do!

Well, my sore throat seems to be turning into a cold.  At least the soreness is subsiding which means it isn't strep throat!  I had a mild fever this morning, but a little Tylenol is keeping that under control.   The nurses at the IVF clinic were sort of helpful, they started by telling me what medicine I could take (Tylenol, Sudafed, Robitussin), and I finally had to clarify with them that it was ok that I was sick.  She finally said "well, let's hope you don't get sicker by tomorrow."   Nice.  My doctor friend was more helpful and told me that it shouldn't affect anything.  My cousin-in-law had an even better approach, something to the effect of if my body is fighting a cold, then it won't be able to fight the embryos!  I can almost follow that logic. ;)

My biggest fear right now is that the thaw won't go well.  Right now, in order to not freak out, I'm expecting them to have to thaw two straws.  If we get two or three embryos out of that, I'm happy.  Well, not HAPPY, but happier than I'd be if they had to thaw all three straws.

One more sleep 'til transfer.  Yikes.

A mild freakout and a pleasant surprise.

Mild Freakout:

I have a sore throat.  I keep hoping it's just from sleeping with the windows open, but it's not getting any better.  I sent a panicked email to my doctor friend (who now resides in Mississippi) to see if I need to be worried.   I'd imagine if it develops further into something involving a fever, I might need to be concerned.  Right now I'm anxiously awaiting her reply.  And trying not to freak out further.

Pleasant Surprise:

I lost another 1.2 lbs.  Not sure how that happened since I wasn't very consciously "dieting".  In fact, I had a bacon cheeseburger on Saturday.   I ended up peeling off the cheese and most of the bun, so I suppose it was just some bacon on a burger patty, and boy was it tasty, but still... not exactly diet food.  I was fully expecting to gain weight, since the Estrace is supposed to cause bloating.  Whatever, I'll take a loss where I can get it!

'Natural' my arse!

Here we are, skipping down our first FET path, tra-la-la-ing in the fact that we are in a 'natural' cycle.  It says so right on my paperwork: "Natural FET Schedule."

So it seems a bit strange that I'm taking all these drugs:

Let's review, shall we?
from left to right:

• Aspirin - thins the blood to prevent clots.  Been on this since cycle day 1.
• Pre-natal vitamin - been on this since, um, December.
• Estrace - Helps build the lining, been on it since Wednesday
• HCG Shot (Ovidrel) - triggered ovulation with this last night
• Doxycycline - Preventive measure against any kind of infection down there. I will start taking it on Sunday.
• Medrol - Since we did ICSI, there's a slight chance my body will react to the embryos as "foreign".  I'll take this to help prevent rejection.  I'll start taking it on Sunday.
• Progesterone - Helps with the lining, I think.  I'll start these on Monday.
• Valium, ah sweet valium - Helps me relax and enjoy my transfer, I will take this 1/2 an hour before the transfer.

I took what I needed to last night - here's the after picture:

Like the pink cup?  I do.  Yes, I'm a dork.

Just one line - shooting up tonight!

I woke up this morning at 5 with the urge to pee, so I did - onto a stick.  According to the package directions, you shouldn't pee on the stick until 4 hours after the last time you went.  This meant I had to pee on the stick at 5 instead of when I'd normally get up.   I know, too much information.

Anyway, it was still negative, so we'll inject the HCG tonight at 9, and mark the calendar for a transfer next Thursday at 10:45.    I've already requested both Thursday and Friday off from work, so we're all set.  This feels so much calmer than last time.  I love it!

Oh. Great.

I picked up the Estrace.  When I told the pharmacist I hadn't taken it before, she pulled out the pamphlet to do the patient consultant stuff.  She looked at me and said "you seem very young to be taking this."

(On a tangent, this comment brings back memories of a rash I had a while back for which I was prescribed some cream.  THAT pharmacist said in a way-too-loud voice "wow - this is strong stuff, it should clear up whatever you've got!"  Turns out it was shingles.)

So anyway, back to today's pharmacist.   I shrugged and said to her "well, yeah.  It's ok." (Not sure what I was trying to say there, I just didn't really want to tell her the whole story.)  She went on to explain that it's a hormone supplement, this was a large dose, call your doctor if you get headaches or leg pain, blah blah ...and the part that really grabbed my attention, YOU WILL RETAIN WATER.   Yay.  Just what I need.  I guess I can write off next Monday's scale results, eh?

Towards the end of this consultation I could practically see the lightbulb pop on over her head and she said "Is this for fertility treatments?"  "Yes," I replied.  "OH - I was worried it was premature menopause!"   

She sighed with relief, handed me my receipt, smiled, and said, "Good luck to you."

I was right, it's my left!

Ha, isn't that a clever title.   

I've been thinking about it ever since I verified this morning that it is indeed my left ovary that's producing a big, beautiful follicle this month.    Today's ultrasound also revealed a beautiful 8.5mm lining.  I'll pee on one more stick tomorrow morning, and if it's positive, we'll have our transfer next Wednesday, and if it's not, we'll do the trigger shot tomorrow night, and the transfer will be next Thursday the 4th.   I'm so excited!

We had to make the tough decision of how many embryos to thaw.  We agreed to thaw one straw which contains two embryos, and if only one survived, to thaw out another straw.   This means we'll potentially transfer three embryos.  The chances of all three sticking are so ridiculously slim that I'm not going to bother stressing out about that scenario right now.   I'm far more worried that none will survive the thaw.

I picked up my prescriptions yesterday.  I had no idea how much the HCG shot was going to cost, so I was bracing myself for something around $300.   Happily, it only cost $72.  The other prescriptions were covered by my insurance, except the progesterone, but I already have a supply of that leftover.

Today, the RE added Estrace to my meds regimen.  I guess this just boosts my estradiol level.  They didn't do that in the fresh cycle, and I'm not sure if it's something they normally do on a second cycle or what.  My natural estradiol (aka E2) level is fine, so who knows. I think this should also be covered by my insurance.

Ah, and the weigh in on Monday was pleasant.  I lost another .2 lbs!   I know, not dramatic, but as I said before, this is the most consistent I've been over the last four months.

Despite it kinda screwing up our vacation plans, the schedule for the transfer is good.  I'll take Thursday and Friday off from work and just put my feet up, maybe read the new Harry Potter (though I heard it's very sad), and think "sticky" thoughts, as they say.  After the weekend, I'll go to work for a few days, then take off to visit some friends and go to my cousin's wedding in Tahoe.  Our beta is supposed to be Monday the 15th (not sure why since the original schedule said 7 days after transfer), but we won't be back yet, so I'll go in on Tuesday.

It's gettin' bettah all the time...

The 4th of July cozies were replaced with bright, peach-colored cozies embroidered with dogs.  Apparently the nurse that makes them really loves dogs.  It was the first thing I noticed when I got in the room, and apparently it was the first thing the RE noticed when she came in, too, as she skipped saying hello and went straight to "Oh! We have dogs!".  Incidentally, we were done with the whole experience, from stepping in the elevator before the appointment to stepping out afterward, within 10 minutes.  These people were SPEEDY today.

The ultrasound revealed a better lining and a nice follicle!  My lining is at 7mm right now, and from what I understand they want the lining to be at least 7.5 mm for a transfer.  It should get there in time.   The point of the ultrasounds is to track the follicle growth and then trigger ovulation just before it would occur naturally so that they can know for sure when ovulation occurs.  (40 hours after the HCG trigger shot.)   Then they'll transfer the embryos at the correct time (5 days after ovulation).

The follicle (the bubble that holds an egg) is not quite big enough to trigger, so we'll go for another ultrasound on Wednesday.  In the mean time I'll pee on more sticks.

My husband has been quite the trooper with this cycle!  He's off work for the summer, so he's been taking me to these appointments and then dropping me off at work.   I must say he's a lot more excited this time around, and that makes me feel good.   I think last time it was all too overwhelming with the hysteroscopy, shots, retrieval, etc.

And I can't believe I forgot to mention it last week, but I actually lost some weight!  It was a whopping .2 lbs, but it was a LOSS, not a gain. That was twice in a row!  Tonight is another weigh-in, so wish me luck...