Frozen Assets

What's in YOUR wallet?

I was sorting through the contents of my wallet this afternoon both to clean it out and to find my massage therapist's business card.  I noticed the card area was getting a little crowded, and wow -  my wallet is me.  I had three appointment cards for my RE, one for my acupuncturist (would be more, but I re-used the one by writing additional appointments on the back), two for the pharmacist "We Specialize in Fertility Medicine" (yes, they print that on the card), one for my massage therapist, one for my hair person, and one for my dentist.  Besides it being a super cool wallet, I really don't want this one stolen for fear that I'll be outed to the local meth addict community.  I'm sure they have a strong interest in my reproductive activities.

Once I found the massage card, I called up and made an appointment for Friday.  I can't wait to tell her she helped me over the current fertility hurdle.  (I'm not using the P word just yet... )

Everybody. Remain. Calm.

Beta came back at 421.

That sure beats 12.2, eh?   I'm in total shock.  I was bawling on the phone with the nurse, I had to ask her to repeat both the number and what I was supposed to do or not do for the next couple days.   (Stay on meds, go back for another test on Wednesday.)

This is a pretty healthy beta number, but it's just the first milestone.  I still need it to double in two days and all that.   But for now, I'm smiling, crying, nauseous... and it's all good.   I suppose I can even go to work tomorrow!

Taboos, jinxes, and Murphy's Law

I'm driving myself bonkers, constantly telling myself I should or shouldn't do something because it will somehow mystically affect our results on Monday.  Don't think too positively, because then you're guaranteed to get a negative!   Don't convince yourself it will be negative, because your body will think it's not supposed to be pregnant!   Screw that fortune cookie, it's just playing with your mind - it's just a COOKIE for Christ's sake!   Don't plan to take Monday and Tuesday off from work so you can be sad, if you do it will guarantee a negative!  Buy more tampons, booze, and get that 10-cup coffee pass!

What I should realize by now is that jinxes and Murphy's Law are less important than my actual physical well being.   I'm not even totally convinced that stress plays a large role in this, though I'm sure it does play a small role.   I'm swinging on a big fat pendulum right now between positive and negative thinking.  Sometimes I linger a bit longer on one side or the other.   I'm doing all the usual things; monitoring my boob tenderness (hard to do subtly in an office full of men), deciding whether my hunger pangs are actually nausea, gaging my fatigue...  It's really just so early.  I shouldn't expect to feel much of anything. 

I actually won't be at all surprised if there's a positive on Monday.  I've had two "chemical" pregnancies so far, though thankfully the second one was much shorter than the first, and thanks to a late beta was declared moot right away.  I wouldn't have thought much if I hadn't peed on the damn sticks!  We've determined that our embryos like to try and hang on.   I just really hope they try a little harder this time and that my uterus stops being such a bitch.  (Oops, did I say that out loud?  I didn't mean it my dear uterus!  You're a perfect angel!  Really!  I love you!)

Oh, and I will not be peeing on any sticks this time.  They're evil.  In fact, they're so evil I don't think they should even sell the variety that have a really low sensitivity.    All they serve to do is get your hopes up.   I'll climb down from my soapbox now.

Is it Monday yet?

Extravagance

I'm starting to wonder whether desiring a child is extravagant.  My friend the dictionary isn't too clear.  (edited after reading the definition again)1. Obsolete and archaic... : Won't bother with those definitions since they're obsolete and archaic.  2.exceeding the limits of reason or necessity.  I don't think it's unreasonable to desire one, but do I really *need* a child?  It depends on the definition of need, of course, but in general, no.  I will not die if I don't have a child. (Unless you believe those reports of increased incidence of breast cancer in women who haven't had children.) 3. Spending more than necessary?  Well, um... the child itself isn't the extravagance, the IVF cycle may have been though.  4. Unreasonably high in price.  Again, IVF, not the child.

My sense of worth may be deprecated if I'm not able to pursue that which I've envisioned much of my life. But I'd survive.   So we've determined that I could go on living without having a child, but that's not the only definition of extravagance.   When I asked my friend if he thought it was extravagant, he said "nah, it's instinctive and natural, not extravagant."   I like that.

So, we've determined it's not extravagant.

Today at lunch I got the following fortune in my cookie:
(sorry for the fuzzy camera-phone picture)

If your desires are not extravagant, they will be granted.

Not bad, eh?

All aboard!

Yet another good transfer today.  I was hoping that at least three embryos would survive, and when the RE handed me the picture of them, that's what I thought we had - but then she said "all four thawed out well, and two of them look...(wait for it) perfect."  One of the embryos in the picture was off to the side so I didn't see it at first glance.  One of the others looked "pretty good", and the other just "good".  I asked her to explain what that meant, so the two "perfect" ones had nearly 100% of their cells survive, the third I think somewhere around 75%, and the other 50%.  She asked if we still wanted to transfer all four.  I even had to sign a form with my enthusiastic "yes please!"

This is the part I hate.  Everything seems to go so perfectly, and I always go out of there thinking "this is IT."  And then twelve days later I get bad news.    I can't get through this anticipating bad news, so the best I can do is keep some hope.

Paranoia

I could have sworn I was getting sick again.  I got home last night and had a faint scratchiness in my throat.  I went through the options in my head... cancel the cycle?  What if medrol always makes me sick - I can't cancel every cycle!   Luckily I woke up with no sore throat.  Phew.

I'm trying so hard to be relaxed and nonchalant about this cycle.  I actually can go a good three or four hours without thinking about it!   Then I snap out of it and think "Crap! A week from next Monday we're (probably) going to get bad news again."

But what boggles my mind, is that despite knowing our odds, I go into every cycle mostly convinced it actually will work.  That this HAS to be the time.   We'll see...

Too lazy to come up with a title.

Boy, I've been a pretty lazy blogger lately.   I was reading my last post and found myself yawning... that's no good.  Must be a better blogger...

My ovary appeared ripe on Thursday, so my doctor had me trigger that evening, just as she predicted.   I was almost convinced that I has already ovulated, as I had been feeling quite a bit of pain in the region, in addition to some other signs.  (I can't believed I just linked to something at "justmommies"... ick.)  She reassured me that I did not ovulate yet, and we were on track for a transfer next Thursday.  Oh, and remember that bad fellow with the violent ultrasound?  She did this one, too, but under the watchful eye of my regular doctor.  It went MUCH better this time.  Phew.

So last night, right on schedule, we shot up with the HCG.  I remember way back when we started doing injections, it would take me a good 15-20 minutes to get all the bits and pieces in order.  Granted, this was just a pre-filled syringe (how decadent!) but even with my husband in the bathroom up until two minutes to 9 (the scheduled shot time), we still completed it in time.    (Sorry, sweetie, but that's where you were.  Besides, you hardly ever read this so I'm sure it'll be some time before you do, and by then this will all be behind us.  No pun intended. )

So yeah, today I could really feel that ovary.  Good ovary!  Do your thing!  I also had that second massage I mentioned previously.  I explained to my massage therapist why I was so intent on being relaxed, and she was great about it.  Rather than pretend she knew anything about infertility, she told me she knew some good acupressure points for stress relief.  It was GREAT.

With everything that's happening in the wake of Katrina, I feel a bit guilty and selfish trying to get pregnant.  Then again, I hope that a success here will bring some glimmer of light to the darkness.

Katrina, Ovaries, Hair, and Stress

M in MS is A-OK

I talked to my doctor friend in MS Sunday night and she is safe and sound, though obviously pretty shaken up with what's going on around her.  She and her husband lost very minimal property.  Their house survived reasonably unscathed, though the chimney did fall off.  All of their belongings are safely stored in California still.  Her office flooded, so she lost most of her books.  Her husband is more or less unemployed since the work he did was mostly with the casinos.  The hospital she was in (on a military base) will have to be partially bulldozed and rebuilt.  She suspects they may close the whole base and reassign her.  As long as she heads west, I'm OK with that.  Many of her friends didn't fare nearly as well.  Their houses are lost, belongings demolished.  The military has been treating their own quite well; no immediate job losses, two hot meals a day, easy access to insurance companies and other assistance.  She's a little upset that she has twelve-hour shifts where she does nothing but pick up debris from the base.  She'd rather be helping at an aid station off-base.  I was so relieved to hear from her, and now I can give her updates on my reproductive activities!

Me and my ovary

My ovary isn't ripe enough to ovulate yet. (My husband suggested we put it in a paper bag for a few days.)  I've had three ultrasounds, and need one more to verify that it's time.  Based on my RE's prediction, we'll transfer next Thursday.  My next appointment is tomorrow morning.

Me and my hair

I had my hair chopped off on Friday.  Nine inches.  I feel very liberated.  I had told myself back in March that once I got pregnant, I would chop off my hair.  I felt like it would be a reward.   (Makes no sense, I know.)  So I finally had it - I deserve a haircut regardless of what is or isn't baking in my oven.   I love my new haircut.   With weight loss they always tell you to start living your thin life even if you're not as thin as you want to be.  Don't tell yourself you'll buy nice clothes when you're a size 2, do it now.   I think to some extent, this haircut served the same purpose for me.  Obviously I am not going to go out and buy a crib or anything, but I shouldn't stop taking care of myself just because I'm in a state of reproductive limbo.

Me and my stress

I'm opting not to do acupuncture this time.  I liked it, but it got expensive, which was stressful, and I always had to leave work early to go there, which was stressful, and the day of the transfer, the acupuncturist was late, which was stressful. I figure I may have some lingering effects from it still, and that will just have to do.  Instead, I got a massage last week, and will get another this week.  The relaxation is important to me, as is releasing bad stuff out of my muscles.   I also feel that I need a clean house in order to be relaxed.  On Saturday I did a major cleaning of the living room. It looks lovely.  I think I'll hang out there for my whole two week wait.  The truth is, no matter what I do, I'll never be completely relaxed, so I'll just try to get as close as possible.  No point in stressing out about how relaxed I am!

That funny feeling in my nose.

You know that funny feeling in your nose you get just as your eyes start to get teary?   Maybe that doesn't happen to everybody, but I have felt it quite a bit lately.  Every time I watch the news and see people desperately trying to find water and food, or hear a story on the radio about somebody having to leave their sister's body floating in the street.  (I know the media has a tendency towards sensationalizing these events, but you can't deny the magnitude of dead bodies floating in the streets.) Or when I read the update on my friend M's hospital - it's still without power, and they've just received their first hot meal since Sunday.   I feel it when I see pictures of people digging through a pile of junk which was once their house.   It's so massive, this devastation; my heart hurts for the south.   I'm sad for my friends - the house that they were about to move into is most likely gone.  They've been living in temporary housing for many months now by choice, waiting for their house to be finished.  Now they're even more homeless.  (I really REALLY hope to get a call from them saying their new house is hurricane-proof and they'll be moving in shortly.) 

I've certainly felt this funny nose feeling as I read about another woman in the IF community who loses a pregnancy, or can't seem to achieve the allusive double-line at all.   That is a hurt I'm familiar with, and know how to overcome.   Total loss of everything is something that is practically incomprehensible to me.   I think of what it would be like if it happened to us, and I still don't see it as a possibility.   If our house burned down right now, I'd be very sad.  I'd lose some beautiful furniture I inherited from my grandmother,  and plenty of lovely things we received as wedding gifts.  Pictures, computers holding pictures, stuff, stuff, and more stuff.  It would be obnoxious, but we have insurance.  We have very few irreplaceable items.   We have lots of incredibly supportive family that would take us in in a heartbeat.   OK, so if the entire area collapsed in an earthquake, we'd probably have to look further away for a place to stay.  I wouldn't be out of a job, because I work for a software company.  We could easily start back up in an alternate location.  My husband is a teacher and they're in high demand all sorts of places.   We have plenty of money hiding in various locations that would get us through for many months.  (This is money I'm not willing to tap into for IVF yet, though.)   Obviously if we were seriously injured or if one of us were killed it would be an added obstacle.   But really, we have it really good.  It's a luxury, in a way, that our biggest worry right now is how to get pregnant.   It could be so much worse. 

I think about that when I remind myself that we're struggling to get pregnant because my husband survived something that was more than likely to kill him in the first place.

I want to help so badly.  I'm crawling out of my skin wanting to find out how my friends are.  I have very little cash to give, but I want to encourage others to help out, so I've added links on the left side of this site.

I need to think about myself a little - just enough to remember to check for ovulation starting tomorrow morning and to go to our ultrasound on Saturday.  It kills me that I can't call M to update her on the results.

Ovarian Hide 'n Seek

Don't worry, my ovaries are still there, but they were very shy today.  Quiet and shy.  The quiet part was good - it means we can go ahead with another frozen transfer this cycle.  The shy part was obnoxious.  I didn't see my regular RE today, so I had one of the fellows.  (As in, a woman there doing her fellowship, not a fellow in the male sense of the word.)  She eventually shoved the cooter wand into a spot where she could snap a picture, then repeated the process with the other side.  My right ovary was being particularly camera-shy.   It was painful - I didn't think an ultrasound could BE painful, but it was.   I'm also a little pissed off that I didn't get to see my regular doctor and ask some specific questions.   For example: "Is there any possibility that this cycle will actually work?"  I think perhaps my regular RE was hiding from me on purpose... I'll pin her down at my next appointment a week from Saturday.

I need to jump back on the Weight Watchers wagon.  I gained 1.6 lbs in the past two weeks.  I know, I can blame most of it on the drugs, but I haven't exactly been a saint in the eating department.  I shall not feel guilty, however, for inhaling that Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger last Tuesday.  Self-medication with grease can be a good thing.  In moderation, of course.  I plan to do some light bike riding in Monterey this weekend, though.  This will be good for the body and soul.