Frozen Assets

This one went to eleven.

Show's over, folks.  Today's hCG came back at 11. 

I suspect it went up a bit more after the last blood draw, then came down over the last couple days.  Yesterday I cheated and used a home pregnancy test - it was a faint positive.   I'm still not sure that was a good idea or not.  It was fun to see the two lines, I suppose.

It's a huge disappointment, for sure.  However, I think I did most of my grieving last week.  I feel a little relieved, actually.   As much as I would have loved to have been one of the few people that ever starts a healthy pregnancy with such low numbers, I would have constantly worried about it.   

I would like to start a pregnancy with really strong numbers.   I would like to get excited about a positive pregnancy test.    We never had that with this pregnancy.   I think some people I've talked to are uncomfortable with me calling this a pregnancy, but that's what it is, or what it was.  I know the embryo probably never grew bigger than a tiny blob of cells,  but I mourn it nonetheless, and will never forget it.

Things over which to obsess when you are somewhat pregnant.

Now that I'm in this lovely land of semi-pregnancy,  I am completely obsessing over every little body change in the hopes that they are signs of continued pregnancy.

(Warning - some of this falls squarely in the TMI domain.)

Spotting:
For the uninitiated, this involves a faint pink .. um.. discharge from my nether regions.  Sometimes the spot makes it all the way to the pantyliner, but mostly I just notice it on the toilet paper.   It's showed up two days in a row, in the afternoon, then stops by morning.     It could be pre-period signs, but the fact that it's so light in color could also mean it is a sign of the placenta developing.    Of course, I'm rooting for the latter explanation.  I take progesterone suppositories (vaginally) three times a day, which besides mucking things up in there, will also prevent me from having a regular period even if I am not still pregnant.    So this spotting business is just plain confusing.   Every time I use to the bathroom I brace myself for what I might see on the TP. 

Hey, I warned you this was TMI!

Dizziness
I've been dizzy for the last 3 hours.  I don't feel like I'm about to pass out, but I'm definitely more light-headed than usual.  So much that I've instructed my husband to retrieve me and my car from work in a few hours.   Of course, the second I started up my computer, I Googled "Dizzy in early pregnancy" and found plenty of information telling me it's quite common.  Something about all the increased blood flow to my nether regions.   Pretty nifty!  I'm definitely not imagining the dizziness.  I may have imagined some nausea over the past few days, but this is for real.

Fatigue
I'm getting sleepy all the time.  Mostly it hits mid-morning, then again mid-afternoon.   Once I get home I can easily fall asleep on the couch.    I go to bed early and sleep for 8 or 9 hours (which is a lot for me.)      OK, so maybe I'm just stressed out and that's making me tired... or maybe it's another symptom.

I know, I shouldn't get my hopes up... but I'm still being cautiously optimistic, just like I was instructed to do! 

Welcome to limbo land!

Isn't this fun?  I'm still pregnant!  Just a little more pregnant than I was on Monday... not doubly pregnant like they would prefer.  The very cheerful nurse on the phone told me to remain "cautiously optimistic"... in other words, "don't get your hopes up, but don't go on a bender either."  Well, damn.

For those keeping score, the first HCG level was 12.2, the second was 16.6. 

I'm not getting upset today.  I did all of that on Monday, and as I said, it doesn't do me any good.  I was fully prepared for a negative today, so getting an it's-not-over-yet call, while falling short of making me cheerful, at least gave me a glimmer of hope.  Mostly, I'm just laughing at the fact that I'm, as they say, "a little pregnant". 

One of my concerns is/was that this is an ectopic pregnancy.  However, my doctor friend tells me I don't have the risk factors, other than doing IVF to begin with.  That's good.  So, if this pregnancy doesn't continue, it's most likely because my embryos tried to implant where they were supposed to, but didn't succeed very well.

So, I maintain the fact that I AM pregnant for now, and am entitled to all privileges therein.  I shall not lift a damn thing until Monday at the earliest.  :-)

"Some normal pregnancies will have quite low levels of HCG and deliver perfect babies."

OK, I'm coming back to life.  Yesterday was bad.  Really, really, bad.   

But today, I'm the Google-queen. 

I've looked up "low beta HCG" and all its incarnations enough times to learn that any level over 5 is considered positive, and can result in a perfectly normal pregnancy.   This is what I'm going to focus on, not the fact that it could also mean a miscarriage, blighted ovum, or ectopic pregnancy. 

I'm pregnant.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  For today, at least.

"Not what we like to see."

Well, this just plain sucks. I wasn't prepared for this.

I'm pregnant. But only a little. My beta HCG level was 12.6, I think. 12-point-something... my brain deactivated after I heard "12"... followed by "it's not what we like to see."

I'll go back on Wednesday for another test, and if the level doubles, we're in good shape. The chances of that happening aren't very good. I've been obsessing and doing my research enough to know that it's not completely unheard of to have a viable pregnancy start with a level of 12, but it's not at all common.

In the mean time I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow and act normal. I don't see how that will be possible.

I know that being so upset won't help anything, especially if I'm trying to be one of these miracle people that actually stays pregnant with such a low beta. However, I can't seem to stop crying.

Six pack!

The clinic FINALLY called me this morning with my final lab report.  We have a six-pack of frozen embryos ready for our future needs.    Four were frozen at day 5 and two were frozen the next day - guess they had a little catching up to do.

This is a big relief.  Even if we don't get a positive on Monday, I know we won't have to do a whole new cycle any time soon.  Those 6 should give us 2 or 3 more attempts.  And hopefully, those will just be siblings for the kid(s) we're having in December.

In the mean time, I can't wait to see my own siblings and my 5 1/2 month-old niece this weekend for Easter!  It will be a wonderful distraction.

I'm PUPO!

That is... "Pregnant until proven otherwise".

The call came at about 9:15 this morning, and we were told we needed to be at the clinic by 10 for the transfer!  I was caught off guard for a couple reasons, first of all - did this mean our embryos weren't doing well and we had to salvage whatever was left with a transfer today?? And second... my husband was still in bed, taking full advantage of his day off.  Our appointment was SUPPOSED to be at 10:45.   I didn't ask the nurse any questions, but said we'd be there as fast as we could.  I yelled to my husband "we've gotta go NOW!"

We scraped ourselves together, both managing to take super-fast showers.  I filled up a bottle of water so I could drink it on the way and have a full bladder upon arrival.*   I packed my Valium in my purse (how often will I get to say THAT?), grabbed my rain coat and ran out the door.

I must say I was quite anxious and excited on the way over.   It's a good day for a transfer, though:  It's Friday, so I have the whole weekend to relax.  It's my late grandmother's birthday, so I'm sure she's looking out for us.  It's the day after St. Patrick's day, so I'm sure some of that luck is still lingering.  Plus, it's raining - and rain makes things grow, right?

We got to the office and the waiting room was FULL!  We found out later that they were doing 8 egg retrievals that day!   There were also two other couples there at the same time as us for transfer.   There were an additional smattering of people  in the waiting room, including one obnoxious woman on her cell phone talking to her credit card company.

So anyway, I had already guzzled my 24 ounces of water, so I thought my bladder was approaching fullness.     We were called in quickly and brought to a small exam room, right next to the lab. The nurse took a quick look at my bladder via ultrasound and called it "perfect".   My two doctors came in - one is the main RE, and the other is an RE in training, like my other doctor friend.  We all know each other pretty well now.    While I put my feet up and my doctor cleaned up my cervix, we all chit-chatted about what we did for St. Patrick's Day.  I, of course, spent it lying on my couch feeling lousy.  They told me that that's because my belly is still full of fluid and my ovaries are still big - signs of mild Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS).   

Oh wait, before we did all that, we discussed the embryos!  We were relieved to find out that all 9 were still developing, but there were a few standouts that made them think a 3 day transfer would be best.     I couldn't keep track of everything they said, but essentially, there were two perfect 8 cells, one perfect 9 cell, and the rest were between 6 and 7... I think.  Anyway, the initial plan was to transfer the two 8 cells, but at the last minute they decided the 9 cell one was quite nice.

So here are the two cuties we transferred (click to enlarge):
The one on the right is the 9 cell - it's not lumpy,  it just has more cells.

The transfer itself took a couple minutes.   After the transfer, I had to stay lying down for 20 minutes... with a very full bladder.    Finally the 20 minutes were up and I hurried to the bathroom! 

I feel really good about today.  The rest of the embryos will keep growing in the lab and some may be frozen on Sunday if they look good.     Now I'll just sit tight, relax, think "positive" thoughts and try not to pee on a stick until the 28th.

* A full bladder pushes the uterus down so that it's a straight line into the uterus from the cervix.

Number nine... Number nine... or "We're on cloud 9!"

Fertilization report is in!

Of the 16 eggs, 6 were immature or damaged, so they didn't ICSI them.  They ICSI'd the other 10 (where they inject the sperm into the egg)... and of those 10, 9 are fertilized!

I'm VERY happy.  So happy I'm beginning to ignore the pain in my belly!

Sweet Sixteen.

I suppose I can cross a couple of those worries off the list.  They retrieved 16 eggs today.  SIXTEEN!!!   When the doctor came to talk to me afterward, he said they were pretty surprised - they expected to get 10 or less.  I guess I had some shy follicles.  He also said they were easy to retrieve, which is a good sign that they're mature.   I don't expect them all to be mature, but starting with 16 makes me optimistic.

The worst part of the morning was all the poor people trying to put my IV in.  I have horrible veins as it is, and without hydrating properly first (no food or drink after midnight), it was really bad.  Two nurses, one anesthesiologist, two shots of lidocaine and four (FOUR!) holes later, the IV finally went in.  I now have four big bruises to remember the experience by.

I haven't received a phone call saying the sperm didn't survive the thaw, so I can cross that one off the list, too. 

I hope I sleep long and well tonight so that it won't seem so long between now and when I get the fertilization report.  In the mean time I'm feeling pretty miserable - VERY bloated and crampy.    

More updates tomorrow!

Scared.

Here are some of the things I'm scared/worried about in roughly chronological order:

1. I will have somehow ovulated too early and they won't get any eggs at the retrieval.
2. The HCG shot won't be metabolized quickly enough in my system and they won't get any eggs at the retrieval.
3. They'll only retrieve a couple eggs.
4. They'll retrieve lots of eggs, but they'll all suck.
5. They'll retrieve lots of eggs, and they're ok, but the sperm doesn't survive the thaw.
6. None of the eggs fertilize.
7. Some of the eggs fertilize, but don't make it to day 3.
8. A couple embryos make it to day 3, but I don't get pregnant, and there's nothing to freeze.
9. There are lots of embryos at day 3 so that I plan for a 5 day transfer, but they don't survive.
10. Everything goes perfectly smoothly, yet I don't get pregnant.
11. Everything goes smoothly, I get pregnant, but it's not a viable pregnancy.
12. Everything goes smoothly, I get pregnant, but miscarry later on.

These are only the *rational* fears, my friends.  I'm not worried about the stereotypical "mixup in the lab" or anything of that ilk.  I have only genuine concerns; real things that could really go wrong.   I suppose it's all good practice for parenthood, but right now I could go for some good ol' blissful nonchalance.

The trigger shot was successfully administered at 9:30 this evening.  I can expect some pregnancy symptoms now with all these crazy hormones.  I'm tempted to pee on a stick tomorrow just to see the two lines - it's not because I'm pregnant, of course, it's just the trigger shot doing its thing.  Could be fun, though.