Frozen Assets

Anxiety.

My friends have a cat that is very anxious and shows this by peeing on everything in their house.  They've put him on some anti-anxiety drugs that seem to be working.

If I were a cat, I think I'd be peeing on things, too.

I'm trying my hardest not to speculate about every little twinge I feel in my abdomen (though today I *am* feeling a little bloated again.)  I'm ignoring the fact that my whole body feels tired.  These "symptoms" are more likely to be nothing than signs of  early pregnancy.

But a girl can dream, can't she?

No embryo report yet to find out how our other 7 embryos fared after the transfer.  I really hope most of them are now happily frozen.  I would feel more relaxed about this cycle knowing we had some backups at the ready.    

I'm feeling slightly more comfortable about the huge dollar amount ($10K so far) knowing that our tax refund is going to cover nearly half of it.  It's not ripping into to our savings as much as I had expected it to.   This wouldn't have been possible right now if we hadn't been involved with the study that covered the drugs and ICSI.

So, lots of thoughts going on right now.  I am not "expecting" to see a positive result on Monday. (No pun intended.)  I'm also not expecting to see a negative.  I know it CAN work, and it also CAN'T.    This might be what's causing the anxiety.  I'm so used to having actions turn into definitive results.  I did everything right, but this still might not work.

There's also my sheer disbelief that this process can work for anybody.  Those little tiny embryos that were created in a lab dish and then unceremoniously squirted into my uterus are just supposed to slosh around for a while and then decide to burrow in and hang out for 9 months?    Why the hell would they want to do that?  Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier not to?  Won't they fall out? (I've been promised they can't "just fall out".) 

Life is amazing - if this works, it'll be nothing short of a miracle.

Mission Complete.

I felt like James Bond today. 

We synchronized our watches and after a hearty breakfast took to the road to go rescue hubby's sperm from the Deep Freeze.  With perfect timing, we arrived at the sperm bank five minutes before our appointment.  As if predicting our arrival, the kind lady at the sperm bank greeted us with gloved hands stating that she was just putting the vials on ice, and she'd be with us in a few minutes.   She sat us in a room with a release form and a cup full of pens and pencils.  And a syringe, and a few empty vials.  I guess these are props so you have an idea of what you're getting. 

She came back in with a cardboard box and some paperwork.   The paper showed us when the sperm was frozen, and the motility (percentage alive) and count.  We have five vials from one visit, and one from another.  The second visit was obviously after some chemo because the sperm count was much lower than for the others.   I can't stop thinking how fortunate we are that his doctor had him do this.   From the "good" batch, we have 15 million swimming sperm  (pre-freeze).  Hopefully a good percentage will survive the thaw so they'll have plenty to choose from.

They gave us another paper that had instructions for our IVF lab.. and some do-it-yourself instructions.  Who knew?  I guess if you're a regular customer of the sperm bank, you just buy some vials, let them thaw out on you nightstand, then suck some up in a little needle-less syringe and hopefully get yourself pregnant!  How cool! 

Once the fees were paid and forms were signed, we hit the road with our box of swimmers.   We put them on the floor of the car so they'd stay shaded and not risk falling off a seat or sliding around too much.   It was pretty warm today, so I also cranked up the AC... just to be safe.

Traffic cooperated and it was a gorgeous day.  An hour later we dropped off the box with the IVF lab.  They verified that the vials were all the right ones, and after signing ANOTHER form, we left them there and went on our merry way.   I love getting things checked off the list.

Next stop: IVF group consult, injection training, and baseline ultrasound.

I feel like I just found a $1000 bill in my coat pocket.

Every day has been an adventure!  As promised, I faxed the test results to the sperm bank today and arranged for pick-up.    When I talked to the woman at the bank, she asked if we wanted to transfer all the vials, since we might need two boxes for ALL OF THEM.  Huh?  I said "I thought there were only three!"  She said "Well, there were three ejaculates that they split into EIGHTEEN VIALS!!!!!"   Oh wait, she didn't yell that... that's how I heard it though!  EIGHTEEN!   Holy moly, I'm in shock.  (And go hubby!)  I sent an elated email to my doctor friend to both show off and ask whether we should consider an IUI (intra-uterine insemination.)  Tough call, since we really still have a limited supply.  In an IUI they usually use a whole ejaculate, so one vial probably wouldn't be a great idea.   

(time lapse, 4 hours) I just heard back from the RE.  She suggests we stick with the IVF as planned.  She'll have to see what the sperm counts are like on the frozen vials to make the call.  Oh well, so much for my fleeting fantasy of being able to just have them squirt the little guys in the general direction of eggs and get pregnant as a result. I do feel much better knowing we'll have plenty of back-up supplies, though.  On Tuesday at 11 we'll pick up the 6 best vials and take them to the IVF lab.

To hell and back in 60 minutes, or how I fought the law and won.

So today I tried to retrieve the printed results of my husband's test results.  At 9:30am I faxed over a release form he had signed to the hospital records department.   Then I called them to see when we could pick up the results. ... TWO WEEKS!!!  TWO WEEKS??????  We're supposed to be partway into our cycle at that point!  I can't believe the bureaucracy.  And the LAW.   Stupid HIPAA.  Wait, HIPAA is fine - we signed the form, did all the right things.  It's just that this big huge hospital can't keep up with their load of records requests.     I casually told the records lady our situation.   I think I was too casual because she just said "I'm sorry, but that's how it is."  Bitch.

While on the phone with the records dept, call waiting beeped, but I didn't switch over.  After I hung up I checked my voice mail to hear the IVF nurse told me that she was previously mistaken and that we did have to go through the records department to get the results.  And that she was very sorry for the inconvenience.   I called back and left a message, during which my voice started to crack up.  I tried my best to remain under control, but I was losing it.  Quickly.

By this point, I was trying to hide both the subject matter and the emotion of these phone calls by using the conference room.  The conference room has one glass wall - good for hiding the subject matter, but not the emotion.  So, I decided to take my phone and go for a walk.

First, I called my doctor friend to see if she could help out.  I had to leave her a voice mail.  Then the IVF nurse returned my call,   and by now I was about four blocks away from work and in almost full-blown hysterics.    "The records people can't give me anything for TWO WEEKS!!! We're going to have to cancel the cycle!!!!"   To her credit, the IVF nurse was VERY reassuring at this point and told me "No - you're not canceling your cycle - I'll call them and get this worked out."    The conversation was more involved than that, with me going into how stupid all of this is, etc., etc.   Not once did she tell me I was overreacting, though it's possible I was.  She was great.   However, we still had this problem... She asked me to call her when I got back to the office and give her the phone number for the sperm bank.

On my way back to the office, my doctor-friend called back, and I told her I was slightly more stable than when I had left her a message, but that things were still iffy.  She offered to help out if things weren't settled by the time she was at the IVF clinic this afternoon.  She was incredibly supportive and reassured me that it would all work out.

Back in the office, I scribbled down the number for the sperm bank, and went back into the conference room to call the nurse.   When I first called, she was on the other line so I was put on hold for 8 agonizing minutes.  I thought maybe I had been forgotten, so I hung up and called back.  I had to wait another minute, but she came on the line and said "I have some good news for you."  PHEW!  "Good, I said.  I need some."   She let me know that she had explained the situation to the records dimwits, and they agreed to put the results in an envelope and have them ready to pick up immediately.   I asked if she knew where the records department was, but she had to put me on hold to call them back to get directions.  When she came back, she said "just come to our office to get them - the records department has your consent form, it doesn't matter if we print them or they print them."    So, by 10:30 the problem was solved, and my husband is en route to retrieve them as I type.

Tomorrow we'll fax those results to the sperm bank and see what the next adventure will be.

In MUCH more fun news, when I got home yesterday my IVF schedule was waiting in the stack of mail!   It seems so much more real now, though very complicated.  Next Thursday we get our IVF consult, injection training, and a baseline ultrasound.  Cooter wand!   For the injection training, I'm supposed to bring two oranges and my husband.  I seriously thought the oranges were to demonstrate how big my ovaries were going to get.  My husband speculated, more accurately I'm sure, that they were to practice injections on. :-)  He's such a smart cookie.

Update: on phone with hubby now - he's got the results in his hands!!!  (And he's squeaky clean, just like me.)  :-)

it's like planning a wedding...

Like planning a wedding on really short notice!

Wow - if I had known how many stupid details there were in getting pregnant, I might have gone into hiding!

Right now I'm in the process of trying to get my husband's blood test results to the sperm storage facility.    The IVF clinic told me today that they couldn't release printed copies of the results to us because of HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act.)  We'd have to ask for them directly from the hospital that did the tests.  The hospital that is directly affiliated with the IVF clinic.  It's dumb.    On the other hand, I spoke to a nurse at the IVF clinic two days ago who said she would release them to us directly.  What-ever.

The good news is, the second we get the results in our hands, we can fax them over to the sperm bank, and arrange to pick up the boys.    I hope we can go pick them up early next week - before our group IVF consult and injection training.

Today I also went in for the Cystic Fibrosis counseling class, and had blood drawn to check to see if I'm a carrier.   There's only about a 5% chance than I am, but if we can rule it out, we don't need to worry so much about having my husband screened. (Which, as I mentioned, can't be done with a simple blood draw.)   I was shown charts and diagrams showing the probability that I'm a carrier, the accuracy of the test, and the risk of me actually being a carrier following a negative result of the test.  I get the results in 10 days.     I'm really not too worried - I'm only getting screened so I can say I did and rule out that particular risk.  There's no history of CF in either my family or my husband's. 

In other news, my running-for-leukemia-do-gooder stuff has gone very well.  My race was a week and a half ago, and I ran with my doctor-friend.  We had a great time.  In an effort to remain supportive and build up all the possible good karma I can, I also ran 18 miles on a training run with my doctor-friend - SHE'S a stud and plans to do a full marathon on March 6th!  I'll be 3 days into stims at that point and will run what I can with her, but mostly I expect to just cheer her on.

In other other news, my husband and I are moving next week out of our small apartment and into a slightly less small house.  I really hope I'm not jinxing anything by assuming we need another bedroom... but for the foreseeable future, he and I will each have our own offices.

Hot Friday night date

My husband and I spent a romantic Friday evening dining on kabobs, followed by a late evening stroll into the depths of the hospital for a quick STD panel.     Nothing says "I love you" like draining blood.

Being the jokester as always, and since he's had this done MANY times, my husband remarked as the blood flowed into the tubes, "Oh good, it's RED!"

This should be all we need to spring his sperm out of jail!

On the brighter side...

We're getting things checked off the list.

Yesterday we spent much of the day on the phone with the sperm bank, locating our sperm and finding out how to go retrieve it.  As it turns out, just to retrieve the little guys, my husband will have to submit his blood tests.  I tried to explain that his blood now is not related to his sperm, but that's irrelevant in the eyes of the law.   So, he'll get his tests, and we'll go pick up the sperm.

AF also arrived yesterday!  So tomorrow I'll start on the BCPs.  We're getting close, folks!    There are still a lot of logistical things to take care of, but it's coming together.   We have yet to receive a bill for anything thus far, and I'm dreading the day those start to arrive!

To do list

Locate husband's sperm and arrange for transportation to RE lab:
This involves calling up the storage facility and finding out how much it costs to get his specimens transported.  Alternately, we could drive over there, rent some liquid nitrogen tanks, and transport them ourselves.   That just doesn't sound like something we should be trusted with.  Better to leave it up to the professionals.

Get screened for cystic fibrosis genes:
This is easy for me to do because it's a blood test.  We haven't figured out how to test the hubby yet because his blood won't have the same genes that his sperm do.  (He has his sister's genes in his blood now.... at least I think that's how it works.)  I've called the genetic counseling office to find out what we should do.

Have blood tests done on husband:
This is another sort of silly one.   The government requires that anybody doing a tissue transplant be screened for HIV, Hepatitis, and a slew of other things.  I had my screening done a couple weeks ago, no problem seeing as my blood is my own.  The husband, on the other hand, doesn't have his own blood.  Really, the frozen semen should be screened, but that's just not going to happen.  So, for the sake of being legal, we will just have him screened as is.   It's totally stupid.  I mean, really, if he had had any of those diseases when he ALSO HAD CANCER and NO IMMUNE SYSTEM, don't you think maybe he'd be dead already?

Make plans as though I'll be having a baby in December:
Whee!  That's fun!

Make back-up plans in case it doesn't work the first time:
Not so fun.  If we have frozen embryos leftover, we can transfer them as soon as a month after the first IVF cycle... not too bad, but maybe we'd wait an extra month or so.

Start living a healthier lifestyle:
Not that I was unhealthy before, but I've just about eliminated caffeine, am taking prenatal vitamins daily, and am exercising regularly.   I'm also doing extensive research on what exercise is OK during pregnancy.... that goes back to the "make plans as though I'll be having a baby in December" to do item.

Try to make Murphy's law work for me by:

• Making plans to do lots of races this summer that I'll have to back out of because I'll be pregnant.
• Buying twelve boxes of tampons so that will go unused for the next 9 months.
• Stocking up on pungent-smelling foods that are apt to nauseate me when I'm pregnant.

That's all I can think of for today... though I'm sure there's more I should be doing!

There's no "me" in uter"us"

The bad news is the VCR hooked up to the hysteroscope wasn't functioning, so I wasn't able to take the video home with me.    The good news is my uterus is just peachy.

Highlights of the day included:

1. Signing yet another form declaring my willingness to pay between one and two thousand dollars for the procedure should my insurance company fail to pay up.
2. Feeling like youngsters compared to the rest of the clientele in the waiting room.
3. Trying to keep a straight face when my doctor friend came in to "introduce" herself.   She wore a  white lab coat just for the occasion (it wasn't hers - she had to steal it from somebody.)
4. The super cool  gown with all the stars and moons  on it.  And the paper shoes.
5. My window-side bed where I waited before and after the procedure.
6. The nurse who managed to find somewhere to put the IV.  (I'm a "hard stick".  Heehee.)
7. Trying to get scooched all the way to the edge of the table while my legs were up in the leg-holder thingies (those aren't stirrups, are they?)
8. The drugs.  Oh yes, the drugs.
9. Seeing my doctor friend in a cute little disposable hat to keep her beautiful hair out of my cooch.
10. Warm blankets.
11. Can we say... Cooter wand!  (I ovulated on the right side again.)
12. The glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, and the cute butterfly mobile.... the drugs helped it spin around.  They helped the ceiling spin, too.
13. Seeing one fallopian tube's entry point into my uterus.
14. Seeing the other fallopian tube's entry point into my uterus.
15. Watching the nurses try to work the VCR.  (It was busted... couldn't take home the video.)
16. The procedure being over before I knew it.
17. The lovely warm wash to clean all my parts off.
18. Scooching back onto my rolling bed to go back to my window.
19. Crackers and juice while waiting to make sure I didn't have a bad reaction to anything.
20. All the super nice nurses and my doctor friend who made it an altogether non-unpleasant experience.  (I barely saw my actual RE - she came in only briefly to take a look.)

As you can see, I had nothing to be worried or nervous about.  It was way easier than my colposcopy last summer.  (Probably had something to do with the pain killers and narcotics.)  One of the nurses kept asking how I was doing, and I honestly wasn't feeling any pain, other than the pressure from the speculum. (I HATE those things.)  Even afterwards, the only pain I had was from the IV.    For the rest of the day, I thought I felt the faint twinge of a cramp - but nothing compared to my usual cramps.

So, nothing too exciting to report.  They tell me the uterus looks fine, and who am I to argue.

Well, if SHE could do it...

Who am I to judge, right? 

But really.   

Lets not ignore the finer details of this article... the woman was carrying triplets and lost two along the way.    She's in the *intensive care unit* as a result of this delivery.    Looks like the welfare system will help support her, reluctantly.   She'll be 84 when her daughter is 18.

I'm sorry, but my bleeding heart liberalism  doesn't stretch this far.   I understand the desperate desire to have children, but think about the CHILDREN, would you?

Sorry, no energy to rant more.