Frozen Assets

Pinhead's got nothing on me!

"You're easy" is what the acupuncturist said to me.  Um.. pardon? Oh, I get it - you think since I have no major medical issues, good gynecological health and such that I am an easy case.  Got it. 

Hope so.

I should mention that this acupuncturist is affiliated with my IVF clinic.   He sees lots of their patients and claims to increase the success rates by 8-10%.  Not too shabby when you're starting with only 40% at best.   Mostly, he said, they are successful in cases of unexplained infertility.   That's not our case, or at least we don't think it is.  For us, the primary purpose of acupuncture is to get my body "ready" for our upcoming transfer.   Get my energy flowing.  Make my body strong.

After a 20 minute chat about my health, he took a look at my tongue and felt my pulse.  "You have a weak pulse - do you not exercise?"  Sheesh! "I get lots of exercise!" "Then why is this?" (Like I was supposed to know??)  Hopefully I'll have a less-weak pulse later.  After our chat, I was asked to expose my belly, feet, and lower legs.   Good thing I wore loose pants, otherwise I'd have to wear a gown.    And guess what?  The gown is the same kind they have at the IVF clinic!  Very cute, but I'm glad I didn't have to wear it.   Next week I'll wear even comfier pants.

So anyway, to the needles!  This guy was quite the comedian... he asked "so how many needles do you want?"  Shouldn't he be in charge of that?  I told him "as many as it takes."  Then he asked what my lucky number was.  I don't have one, but I'm certainly glad I didn't say 246 or anything.   He showed me the little needles he'd use - they were very short and fine.  He wiped down a few spots on my belly and started putting in the needles.  I couldn't really feel those at all.  He put one on the top of my head, a few in my right arm, and a bunch in my lower legs and feet.    Before he left the room, he asked how long I could stay - again, I said "as long as it takes!"  So he promised to come back in about half an hour to take out the needles.   45 minutes later he returned.  Those 45 minutes were interesting.  I was hoping I could fall asleep, but it was just too strange an environment and experience for it.   I could feel the needle in my right arm - it was placed in the area where I had my IV during the egg retrieval, and it seemed to trigger some painful (literally) memories of that.   For the first 20 minutes I felt quite a bit of pain there - I figured the needle was right on a nerve or something.  Eventually it subsided, though I could still feel the needle.  I couldn't feel any of the other needles.

When he came back in, I mentioned the right arm.  He explained that usually you feel needles in places where you have a lot of energy and power.   The more treatments I have, the more I'll feel the needles in the rest of my body.   Great.  Shouldn't he try not to scare me away?  Anyway - it was totally bearable, and I will happily go back next week.

The horrible news and the great news.

Let's start with the horrible news, shall we?   I gained 2.6 pounds since last Wednesday.  No, I didn't eat a pound of guacamole.  Yes, I got some exercise.  Yes, I ate my fruits and veggies.  Yes, I did EVERYTHING right.  I thought maybe I'd gained a little - felt a bit bloaty and I did have a big loss last week.  But TWO POINT SIX POUNDS??? That put me 1.6 over my starting weight.   I told my meeting leader that it made no sense at all.  She asked a few questions...

Her: Did you get enough to eat?
Me: Yes, and I only used about 10 of my extra points!  I did have a big dinner last night, but not THAT big.
Her: Exercise?
Me: Got some - not the 4 hour hike I did last week, but still...
Her: Hormones?
Me: Completely out of whack.
Her: That'll account for the 2.6.  Don't worry, it will resolve itself.
Me: (starting to sulk) Hope so. (Not about to tell her why my hormones are out of whack.)

I got back to my seat in tears.  I made it through the meeting fine, though bitter.  On my drive home I lost it.  All I could think was "I can't be pregnant properly, and I can't not be pregnant properly."  I felt utterly hopeless.  I could feel like I was in complete control, yet have no control whatsoever.  I imagine this is the type of thing anorexics and bulimics feel before they start their seriously unhealthy behaviors.   Don't worry, I like my food, and I like it to stay down.   Anyway, I was a wreck up until about ten minutes ago.

I think you see where this is going.  When I went to the bathroom this morning, I was greeted by that miracle of miracles which is my so-called monthly visitor.  Hallelujah!  I never thought I'd be so happy to have my period.   For those of you keeping track, it's been 68 days since my last cycle day 1.   I had already planned to stay home today to recover from my crying fit last night, and to make phone calls to my doctor and the acupuncturist.  I still get to call the RE clinic to tell them my period started.  I'll still call the acupuncturist to set up a consultation.   All in all, feeling worlds better than last night.

And the cool thing?  If my June and July periods start more or less on schedule, it keeps us on track for our early August FET. (Frozen Embryo Transfer.)

It's a good morning.  It might be a miserable rest of the day, but I've already taken my ibuprofen and will be brewing up some raspberry leaf tea shortly.

My body hates me.

I've been SO good with Weight Watchers this last week.  I wrote down every morsel of food that went into my mouth.  (Yes, including the leftover Easter Peeps and Hershey's Kisses.)  I stayed well within my Points(TM) allotment.  I lost one whole pound.  Sure, one is better than none, and definitely better than gaining... but... Last time I started WWers I lost somewhere around 3 pounds the first week.

I'm pretty sure my body is just still screwed up from the hormones.  My period STILL hasn't made an appearance.   Once that comes and goes, I'll feel more normal, I hope.  My doctor friend tells me that maybe my body just decided not to shed a lining this month.  Great - so next month I should expect something along the lines of the Great Flood?  Has anybody noticed animals marching two-by-two towards a big boat?  Just checking.

So, this is sort of screwing up plans for the next transfer.  If I look at my magic cycle predictor, imagining I started my period today,  we won't be able to do a transfer in July or August because we'll likely be out of town on prime transfer days.   Mid-June is too soon, and September isn't horrible except that my husband won't be on vacation anymore.  If I do truly skip a whole month, we might be fine...  so now I'm hoping I DON'T start for another week or two.  It'll be my luck that I'll start today.  *sigh*

When did THAT happen?

Some history... in college I gained weight.  Yeah, you've heard of the freshman 15... well, I gained probably 55 lbs over the course of those 4 years plus the year following.  I peaked at about 185lbs. (I'm not at all tall.)   You'd think going to school in Southern California would mean lots of outdoor exercise, but no.  For me, it meant lots of time in a practice room, or at my part-time job, both of which were conveniently located next to delicious eating establishments.   I guess I didn't look in a mirror much.    I was in relationships for much of that time, and they were not at all conducive to weight loss.   Tangent - why do skinny guys often go for fat chicks and then just fatten them up some more?

Anyway, once I left sunny California  to go to grad school, I decided that was my chance to get in shape.  I had nothing better to to, so I worked out a lot.  I started off walking on a treadmill most weekdays, and eventually started running on it up to an hour!  I did Tae-bo in my living room.   I cooked for myself most of the time, and started using eDiets to make sure I was eating the right things.  I weighed somewhere around 150 when I left grad school, I think. 

Then I got a REAL job.  I went out to eat all the time, and didn't get much exercise.  I have no idea what I weighed, but it was clear I was gaining again.   Then I decided to run a marathon!  After four months of training, I completed it.   I felt great, but was still not thin.  Over the next couple years, I did a bunch more endurance events.   I was very healthy, but not thin.   Finally, I had had enough, and after seeing some friends successful with Weight Watchers, I signed up.    I first weighed in at 164.4.  I was down to 135 by the time I ordered my wedding dress.  That was a year ago.

After the wedding,  I attended Weight Watchers meetings for about another month, then quit since I wasn't losing anymore and couldn't hit my goal, and it was getting expensive.   I could still fit my clothes at Christmas, but they were getting tight.   This IVF cycle pushed me WAY over the edge.  I remember the first time they weighed me, the scale said 149.  I thought it was a fluke - I had eaten a big breakfast.   The next  time it said 152.  I had started stims, so that explained it a bit.   After retrieval, I had to wear my "fat pants".  They were a little loose then... but now?  They fit just right.   I went back to Weight Watchers on Monday.

I weighed in at 156.6.  I can't believe it.   Well, I can, but it pisses me off.   I STILL haven't seen my period, and they SAY that once that happens a few pounds will drop away.    But, I'm not waiting for that.  I'm more gung-ho about it now than I was the first time. 

I'm not so fat that it will affect my fertility, I don't think anyway... but for my own peace of mind, and so that should I become pregnant I'm not already behind the game, I'd like to get  back to my wedding dress weight.    I have a few months to get there!   So, for the time being, in addition to being an infertility blog, this will be my weight-loss journal.  Let's get me skinny and knocked up!

Back to Zero

Since my lazy period hasn't shown up yet, I had to go in for one more blood draw.  My veins cooperated nicely for once (maybe they felt sorry for me?) and it was quick and painless.  This afternoon one of the very cheerful nurses called me with the good news that I am finally negative.   Of course she put the best spin possible on it - "Now you can get on with your life!".  Yeah.

She informed me that if I get my period in the next couple days, I won't be able to do a May transfer because the lab will be closed for cleaning.  I promptly informed her that we intended to wait a while.  Maybe August.  She then informed me that the lab will be closed in August, too.  Well.  OK, we'll figure something out.  In the mean time I can calculate when my cycles will be for the next 6 months and decide what will work best.

It's a whole different enchilada to think of having  a kid in the spring/summer instead of winter.  It could certainly be fun - I'd be my fattest and most miserable just as the weather starts to warm up.   That's if it works.  We have 6 embryos left in the freezer - I really hope at least one turns into a kid.

More later - I'm just waiting patiently for my period to start... I have a feeling it's not going to be much fun.  I better stock up on Advil.